Do you hear the words that are coming out of my mouth?
Have you been there? You can’t seem to understand anything he’s saying.
It’s completely ridiculous. Nothing makes sense at all.
You think of all the proof you have as to why you’re right about this. Which makes it difficult to see his point of view.
Being the Type-A, perfectionist who wants to be right at all costs, I have to pause when I’m going all in proving my “rightness”.
Here is the thing, even if he’s as wrong as two left shoes (remember, wrong is subjective), I want you to listen as if you’re wrong.
This helps you maybe just a little teeny, weeny bit see his side. Seeing his perspective and becoming neutral will increase the more you practice this.
This helps to calm you down. If you’re like me, calm is what we crave in our life.
The next time you’re cross-examining the defendant, I mean “talking” to your husband, take a step back, pause, then really listen. Listen as if you’re wrong.
This can lower the temperature of the entire argument.
This can help move arguments into productive conversations.
Here are some things you can do while learning this new skill.
- Try not to have a right or wrong perspective. This changes the dynamic of the conversation which means the effective communication stops.
- Be as neutral as possible when thinking and responding. The more you can remove yourself from the situation, the better. Move it from my husband didn’t remember our anniversary to a man forgot his anniversary. It sounds crazy but it works.
- When triggered, take a few moments to recenter and calm down.
- Be the bigger person. Sometimes, when emotions are involved, we can become more intense and not hear what is being said.
- Don’t allow his actions/reactions to affect you. His actions/reactions are his problem, not yours.
- Don’t think about all the times this has happened in the past. Stay in the present.
- In every interaction, remind yourself the goal is to be more connected, not create division. Ask yourself, does this action create division or connection?
It only takes one person to change the tone and result of a discussion.
The next time you want to bash your head in the wall because you think he’s crazy put these tools to use.
These tools help move your marriage towards better.
The strength of your marriage is determined by the strength of your communication.
I still struggle at times with this but I can tell you this has made my marriage so much better. We “fight” fair. We “fight” differently.
If you want guidance to fight fair I can help you like I’ve helped countless others, lets talk.
