Do you have a Sour Patch Kid at home?

​You know – sweet one minute, sour the next? Yeah…same.

​One moment she’s spilling her heart out, sharing her day with me, making me feel like her favorite human. 

The next? grunting in response, exhibiting selective hearing, and behaving like an alien has invaded her body.

​If you have a teen, pre-teen (or let’s be real – even a grown child), you may know this feeling.

​And listen – I’m not just a coach, I’m a mom with feelings. It stings sometimes. 

​Especially when you’re the one waking up at 5 AM to make smoothies, doing drop offs, making sure they have what they need, taking care of them when sick, etc.

If you’ve got a Sour Patch of your own, you’re not alone.

​The key, however, lies in understanding that this is a part of the process and how you handle it can have lasting implications.

​It’s crucial to understand that loving your child isn’t enough; what truly matters is that they feel loved.

​The emotional experience they have in your presence can significantly impact their perception of themselves and you.

You are an amazing mom, and I want you to acknowledge you’re doing the very best you can.

The following tips aren’t an attack; it’s just an attempt to provide you with more strategies that can increase the connection with your child(ren) and create more peace internally and externally.

Strategies for Navigating:

Take a Step Back: Their behavior isn’t about you. Teens and pre-teens often unload on the people they feel safest with — that means you.

It doesn’t feel fair, but it’s temporary. And it’s a sign of trust (even if it doesn’t feel like it).

Get Curious, not defensive: The teenage brain can be difficult to comprehend, however, if you get curious it will allow more space to foster a better understanding and relationship. It’s hard to stay angry/hurt when you’re authentically curious.

Actions that either enhance or hinder connection and communication:

1. Work on Self-Regulation:
Recognize your human, but strive to regulate yourself. If you’re constantly stressed, overwhelmed, or snapping – that’s your sign to pause. You can’t lead with calm if your nervous system is in overdrive.
This is core to the work I do with clients – helping moms actually feel calm in their body so they can respond with clarity. You can’t be a calm, present and loving mom if you’re not regulating your mind and body.

2. Practice Unconditional Love:
Extend love unconditionally, not solely when their behavior aligns with your expectations. It shouldn’t feel like a reward for “good behavior.”

* Avoid Conditional Acts: Resist the “tit-for-tat” mentality; refrain from actions like me deciding not to make a smoothie for my daughter because she did something I didn’t like.  This isn’t a punishment or consequence. Consequences, if necessary, should be separate from expressions of care/love.

*Watch Out For Unintentional Manipulative Tactics: Steer clear of passive-aggressive behavior, such as silent treatment, avoidance or statements like…

o   “You won’t listen anyway, why do I bother?”
o   “I would’ve killed to have this relationship with my mom.”
o   “You’re going to do what you want to do anyway.”
o   “Sorry I’m so embarrassing.”
o   “I’ll remember this the next time you ask me to do something.”
o   “I can see you’re in one of your moods again.”
o   “You don’t appreciate anything I do for you.”

Things like silent treatment, avoidance, and these passive aggressive statements try to manipulate the child’s behavior.

These don’t build accountability — they chip away at trust.

You can set boundaries and still express love consistently.

Dealing with Behavioral Issues:

1. Thoughtful Consequences:
If you discipline while angry, you’re not teaching — you’re punishing.

Pause. Regulate. Then respond with intention.

2. Express Love Amidst Actions:
Let them know: “I love you — that doesn’t change, even when we’re working through hard things.”

3. Offer Support:
They’re navigating pressure from school, peers, hormones, and screens. The last thing they need is a chaotic home. Your calm matters..

Connect More Than You Correct:

Avoid Over-Correcting:
If most of your interactions are corrections, of course they shut down. Prioritize connection — even small moments. If you correct frequently and only connect sparingly, resistance, resentment, and distance will arise.

Positive Communication:
Refrain from constant suggestions for improvement, unintentional criticism, and/or judgment.  Here are some examples:

o “My room never looked like this when I was a kid.”
o “You’re going to wear that?” (in a condescending tone)
o “I would never do that as a kid.”
o “My room was never this messy.”

Allow them to be heard:
Let them express without fear of being shut down or punished for how they feel. Listening doesn’t mean agreeing. It means they matter.

It doesn’t matter the age, humans want to be heard and accepted. This makes them feel loved.

Invite Connection

Quality Time (may not be possible initially)
Take them out on “dates” doing activities they enjoy even if it’s outside your comfort zone.

If you have a very defensive child, get curious, see if there is constant perceived criticism and/or correction on your part.

Note: If your child is defensive, they may not trust the connection yet. That’s okay, Be patient. They’ll come around when it feels safe again.  Who wants to connect with someone who often criticizes, withholds love (perception is their reality), and doesn’t listen?  Again this isn’t your intent just how they perceive it.

6 Powerful Questions to Ask Yourself When Struggling with Your Sour Patch Kid:

1. If I zoomed out, how would I want to show up in this moment?
(Think long game — who do you want to be in their story?)

Silent Mantras for Tough Moments:

2. Is this about me…or is this their way of processing big emotions?
(Helps you not take their behavior personally.)

3. Am I regulated right now, or reacting from stress, exhaustion, or overwhelm?
(Your nervous system sets the tone.)

4. What does my child need in this moment — not just what I want them to do?
(This creates space for compassion over control.)

5. Have I been connecting more than correcting lately?
(Disconnection often shows up as defiance.)

6. What’s my most loving interpretation of their actions?
(This helps shift from judgment to empathy.)
This is from Dr. Becky’s book, Good Inside – recommended for everyone – it not only helps with parenting but with all relationships.

Mantras during struggle moments:

·  This isn’t about me.
·  I can’t control her/him, only myself.
·  We’re going to be okay.
·  This phase is temporary.
·  I can model how to lead with calm/love when frustrated, angry, etc.

This is still a journey I’m walking with my own daughter and it’s not perfect, but its a huge improvement.

I used to shut down and dish out the silent treatment when things didn’t go my way.

Now? I hold space. I let her ride her wave, while staying steady in mine.

The foundation of your relationship with your child rests on the pillars of connection, communication, and love.

Your current actions have a ripple effect, influencing not just the present but also shaping the course of your future relationship and the parent/child relationship for generations to come.

The stakes are high.

If you’re feeling like your home is full of chaos, attitude, and tension – I get it. I specialize in helping high-functioning moms with strong-willed kids.

This work is layered.

Let’s make it easier.

It won’t be perfect but I promise, it can be so much better for you mentally. 💛

Reply to this email to set up a call – it’s free and zero pressure.