Today marks a celebration of love, but for many, not feeling like a priority happens everyday, and for some today is no exception.

For years, my husband, John, was consumed by work — 70+ hour weeks.

Quality time is my love language, so naturally, this created tension.

We argued. I felt neglected.

He was physically present but emotionally unavailable.

And even though I knew he loved me…I didn’t feel like a priority.

Honestly, I felt like an afterthought.

After giving birth to our middle son, John went back to work the very next day.

I was emotionally and physically drained — recovering from a C-section and trying to visit our newborn in the nursery alone while wheeling myself there.

My friend, Nicole and her husband unexpectedly showed up and pushed my wheelchair because he wasn’t there.

Their support meant so much…but it also made his absence feel even heavier.

I was overwhelmed. I felt invisible. And it all started to pile up.

And yes — I considered divorce, many times

But that’s not where our story ends.

If you’ve ever felt disregarded, lonely, or like your needs don’t matter — you’re not alone.

So many women (especially moms) carry this weight quietly.

And while love languages offer insight, here’s the truth…

If you’re not meeting your own love language first, you’ll keep looking for someone else to fill a void, that only you can fill.

This isn’t about excusing him. John had to do his own work.

But I had to stop abandoning myself too.

I was always last on my own list.

I rarely said no.

I never gave myself quality time.

So of course I was desperate for it from him.

When I started pouring into me — everything shifted.

That deep craving for his attention softened.

I communicated better. I stopped waiting for him to “figure it out.”

And you know what?

His transformation followed mine.

It’s not guaranteed, but I’ve seen it happen time and time again with myself, and with my clients.

So what can you do when you’re feeling unseen, unheard, or unloved?

1. Get curious about your insatiable needs 
   What are you aching for — and are you giving any of it to yourself?
   We often expect others to fill gaps we haven’t even tried to fill ourselves. If you find yourself aching for things like quality time or words of affirmation, pause and ask: Am I consistently giving this to myself? I’d bet you might be trying to fill a void that only you can truly satisfy.
2. Make YOU a priority.
   If quality time is your love language, block time for it like it’s an emergency.
   Take yourself on a walk, grab your favorite lunch, journal in silence.
   Whatever fills you — do more of that.
   When your cup is full, you communicate from a place of self-love, not lack.
3. Ask: Is this a deal-breaker…or not?
   If it is, be honest and take aligned action.
   But if it’s not, stop mentally replaying it and torturing yourself with unmet expectations. That creates disconnection even if the relationship remains intact.
4. Share how you feel — without attaching your happiness to their change.
   When we say, “I need more X” and he doesn’t deliver, we feel unloved.
   But it’s not always about love – it’s about capacity.
   Some men can’t give more, not because they don’t care…but because it’s just not who they are right now.

I see this with my clients all the time.

One of my friends is married to an NCAA coach – he’s constantly traveling, fully booked, always “on.” Working non-stop for 11 months out of the year.
She does it all — the moves (they’ve moved 6 times in the last 6 years), planning, budgeting, etc.
She knows he loves her.
But she’s exhausted by broken promises and missed appointments.
He wants to show up, but it’s beyond his capacity.
Let me clarify what I mean by “capacity” – it refers to what someone is both willing and able to do. 
She has to constantly ask herself: Is this a deal-breaker…or do I need to stop spinning in mind drama?

Just the other day, they had a virtual appointment during one of his away games. She doubted he’d make it — he said he could. A player got sick, he had to pivot, and missed the call. She had told him to cancel, but he forgot.

This happens often, and she’s frustrated.

I asked her: Is this a deal-breaker?

She wants him to be more realistic about what he can handle — but right now, that’s just not who he is right now.

I wanted my husband to be more present for me.  That wasn’t who he was at that moment in time.

Maybe you want your husband to be more romantic…but it’s not who he is
To help more with the house…hiring someone might be the way to go, because let’s face it, that’s just not who he is or chooses to be.
To plan date nights…
But if that’s not who he is right now — can you let that be okay? If not, figure out your next steps.

Quick side note: Many of my Type-A clients tell me often they want a take-charge man to plan fun things. Being the take-charge “Alpha” man isn’t just about planning amazing getaways; it’s about taking control of all sorts of things, like finances and spending. And most of my driven clients prefer to pick and choose what they want their “alpha” man to manage. But it doesn’t quite work like that.

Here’s another common scenario among my Type-A clients wishing their husband would to plan an outing. “Happy” might not be their primary emotion when it’s all said and done…. “Why did you choose steak you know it upsets my stomach?” “Did you look at the reviews, it looks dated?” I could go on and on with the complaints, I mean “suggestion” of how to do it better next time.

Now let’s flip the script…

Maybe he wants a partner who doesn’t question everything.
Who initiates sex daily.
Who always wears heels, make-up,never a hair out of place, no joggers, and keeps the house spotless.
But that’s not who you are right now.
To be honest, if you’re like me that will never be you!

Unconditional love means allowing people to be who they are for YOUR peace — and deciding if that still works for you.

It’s not about staying silent on your needs – but it is about releasing the fantasy of who they “should” be and meeting them where they actually are.

Ultimately, the decision is yours to make. Choosing to stay in the relationship but constantly replaying the how things should be different is no way to live.  You WILL have a miserable marriage.  

So, this Valentine’s Day…choose something different.

Maybe that means creating boundaries or decisions around deal-breakers
Or maybe it just means shifting your focus back to you.
Because the truth is:

You deserve happiness.
You deserve love.
You deserve peace.

And it all begins with how you treat yourself.

If this post feels like it’s speaking directly to your heart — maybe it’s time to try another way.

Got questions? Contact me, info@aericasanders.com