Janet Jackson (my husband’s favorite childhood singer) had a hit song in the late ’80s.

Control, to get what I want
Control, never gonna stop
Control, now I’m all grown up

For many decades, this was apparently my motto.  My Type-A, perfectionist brain craved control.

I loved the feeling of safety control brought me however, I didn’t realize the never-ending stress it caused me.

Do you like keeping control of things because it makes you feel safe?

If you let go everything will fall to pieces? Would you consider yourself a control freak?

Several months ago we had an unprecedented arctic storm in Texas. Many were without lights, water, and some even ran out of food.  IT WAS PAINFUL AND COLD!

The most difficult part for me was the unknown and my lack of control (cue Janet Jackson).

My type-A brain was going bonkers until I remembered an incredibly powerful lesson I learned several years ago.

I spent the majority of my marriage trying to control and change things that couldn’t be changed.

I used all of the tactics nagging, silent treatment, shifting blame , bringing up the past, and criticizing.

These were all in an effort to change him.  It didn’t work. It NEVER does.

It only created a deeper divide in our marriage and I was miserable.

Up to that point I spent most of my life trying to control things, and once I realized it didn’t bring me calm because it’s a constant quest of the unattainable.  I decided to let go.

An amazing thing happened when I started releasing control: he started changing too.  We became more connected.

I fell back in love.  Our marriage became easier.

This is what I know:

• Releasing control is hard, but it gets easier as you practice.
• Being in a constant state of control never gets easier you have to do it for the rest of your life. You have to always be on alert.
• It’s running a never-ending race that’s not possible to win. In Janet’s words never going to stop.
• The time I spend thinking about the things I can’t control ALWAYS adds more tension and exhaustion to my life.
• There is freedom in loosening the reigns.
• Releasing control will open up so much mental space for more positive things.

These lessons allowed me to return back to my new mentality to get through that artic storm: “I can’t control this, so I will make the best of it (electricity) while it’s here.”

I realized right after the storm that this was what my clients and I struggled with in our lives: Mentally fighting to control something that’s uncontrollable, then getting angry and upset because we can’t do the impossible.

What will you be able to create in your life if you stop worrying about controlling everything and changing others?

What will you have time for if you weren’t exhausted from keeping up with everything? Time for self-care? Time for becoming your best self? Time to make YOU a priority?

How much better would your marriage be if you stop wishing the things you can’t control were different?