I get many complaints from my clients about what their husband is or isn’t doing. Almost every complaint centers on the husband not living up to their standards.
One of my new clients a week into my program was complaining about her husband. He did many things that annoyed, irritated, and angered her. She was at her wit’s end. This particular week we discussed him not completing tasks. He would start things but never finish or he would half do it. I asked her if she could name one thing he does to completion. She sat there for a few seconds then she said there isn’t one thing he completes.
Have you walked in her shoes?
He does things that irritate and annoy you often.
Does he start things, but it goes unfinished?
Or maybe he doesn’t even start anything. Things just remain undone even after you ask repeatedly.
Simple “common sense” tasks seem to be too high level.
Following your directions proves to be too difficult, even if spelled out.
Years ago, one of my mentors said, “What you focus on grows.”
This statement was accurate then, and it’s still true now.
I help my clients take a step back emotionally and become the observer. This redirects their focus to help them feel more empowered in their life.
How do you know if your focus is an issue for you?
Many times our confirmation bias is in full force with finding the good or bad.
This means whatever you tell your brain to seek, it will find. Anything that contradicts what you believe to be true your brain will subconsciously ignore or kick it out.
Remember when you first started dating and were in love? You could talk for hours about anything. The more time you spent with each other, the more you fell in love. You were happy and fulfilled.
He could really do no wrong.
You were using your confirmation bias, focusing on the good and subconsciously ignoring the rest.
Fast forward a few years and things sort of got in the way…maybe it’s the careers, managing the home, kids, or life.
Just like my client, she was hard-pressed to find anything good, even though she told me her husband was a good person and father.
During our next session, my client miraculously had a list of things he did consistently.
How is this possible??
She retrained her brain to calmly look for the things that he was finishing. Her brain didn’t allow her to see these things until she did the work with me.
What if there are so many things you can’t see because you don’t know how to tell your brain to look for it?
Hear me out.
I’m all about calling a spade a spade. We will not blatantly ignore problems.
This is objectively looking at situations with as little emotion as possible. Learning how to view circumstances at face value – no more, no less.
DISCLAIMER: This process will not remedy major problems like habitual infidelity, emotional and physical abuse. When these issues are involved my clients use this method below in conjunction with therapy.
What if you’re missing out on what has the potential to be an amazing marriage because of focus?
What if you can find more peace when he does the “stupid” things?
What if you could be calmer during disagreements, no matter what he says or does?
It is POSSIBLE.
How to Change Your Focus:
1. Objectively look for the good.
Ask yourself open-ended questions about the good things your husband is doing. Spend each day looking for positive things about him. You will have problems in your marriage. When a problem arises, solve it, then return to seeking what is good. The bad and ugly will surface, no need to search for it.
2. Become the observer of each situation.
Without emotion, look at the situation as if you’re looking at someone else’s situation.
Don’t think about how you would’ve handled the situation. This is key! He’s not you. He will never be you. He will never handle situations like you. EVER! We expect others to behave like we would and it only sets us up for disappointment.
3. Stay clean (emotionally) during “discussions”.
The more potential for explosiveness, the “cleaner” you need to be. If you’re angry, it’s not the time to “discuss” the issue. Check your emotions and feelings before all discussions. It should be us against the problem, not us against each other.
Using these three steps is simple, but it’s not easy.
If you’ve tried during “discussions” to stay calm instead of showing your naked (a term John uses for showing your a#&) but you continuously fail, you need my help!
I can help you handle things from a place of peace.
I can help you focus on the good, even when your brain fights you.
I can guide you to succeed in places where you’ve failed.
If you need this help, then you need to set up a call with me.
Let’s talk about your husband not living up to your standards.