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MOMS OF Autistic Kids

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The Calm Mom Coach

Providing moms with strategies that create more ease.

Will you shut up already!

Have you seen a rap battle? Each person is listening to the other to have the ultimate comeback.​

If you’re a Hip Hop head like me, it’s a work of art. The artists are skillfully battling for bragging rights.​

Have you been in a communication battle with your husband? ​

It’s not a work of art, but more like a train wreck.​

You are talking (well, maybe yelling) and you just can’t wrap your head around what’s so difficult for him to understand?​

You wish he would shut up because he has it all wrong!​

I’ve definitely been there and so have many of my clients.​

One key to strengthening your marriage is improving your communication. It’s one of the most difficult things to master in relationships.​

I had a client tell me, “I told him calmly, and it turned into a disaster.” My question to her was did you actually feel calm at your core? When I explored it more, she was pissed about the situation. Our feelings/emotions expose us. It will seep out no matter how quietly or softly we say something.​

For most people, effective communication wasn’t modeled for us. This coupled with emotions and bias, is a recipe for failure.​

Communication is difficult because many things get lost in translation because of communication filters.​

Each person’s filter distorts how communication is heard and received. ​

If you’re angry, then everything you hear is processed through the anger filter. If he’s frustrated, then everything will be filtered through frustration.​

The problem is we allow our emotions/feelings to impede our listening and understanding.​

  1. Take a Step Back Emotionally​
    Become the bystander. The bystander isn’t angry, sad, or hurt. The bystander is neutral and merely watching two people interact.​

    You can solve problems much better from a calm place.​
  2. Actively Listen to Understand​
    Human nature can cause us to want to be right.​

    One of my clients is an attorney. She has an amazing ability to craft words that annihilate her opponent. Before my program, she listened to form a rebuttal but not to hear and understand.​

    Remember, he is telling you how he sees it based on his filter.​
  3. Ask Open-Ended Non-Accusatory Questions​
    How can we solve this problem?​
    What would you like to see happen?​
  4. Take Responsibility for Your Actions​
    Without the expectation that he will take responsibility for his.​
  5. Be Direct but Respectful​
    Don’t beat around the bush. Tactfully say what’s on your mind. No name calling or using low blows. Keep it factual.​
  6. Use “Hot Words” For When It Gets Heated​
    This is a word or phrase you can use to take a break. This should not be a way to escape discussing the issue but used as an intermission.​
  7. Try To See His Perspective​
    Always keep in mind he will never handle situations how you would handle it.​

    John and I used to have heated “disagreements” about cleaning up. ​

    I would get all up in my feelings and explode.​

    My thoughts were…​

    He doesn’t love me because if he did, he would help me more.​
    It’s not fair I shouldn’t be the only one doing _______ around here.​
    The crazy thing is John would help me. He loved me. He just didn’t help in the way I wanted. ​
  8. Us Against the World​
    This should not be a battle against each other, but a battle against the issue.​

    Avoid using the word “you” but use “I”.​
  9. Don’t Expect Him to Read Your Mind​
    Clearly express your needs and wants. How can you be mad if you didn’t ask for what you want?​

    I have a client who expected her husband to do all the things when she was sick. I asked her, “Is it fair to him to get mad when you didn’t ask him to do anything?” He isn’t a mind reader.​
  10. This Isn’t a Competition​
    The one who has the best comeback does not win. You can win all the arguments but essentially lose in your marriage.​

    Here are the most problematic behaviors that breakdown communication.​

    *Passive/Aggressive Tactics​
    *Angry Outbursts​
    *Playing the Victim Card​
    *Constant Interrupting​
    *Disregard of the other person’s feelings​

    When used consistently, these behaviors suffocate any chance at a happy and fulfilling marriage.​

    Effective communication creates a deeper connection to your spouse. ​

    It allows you to solve issues together as a team.​

    It helps you to feel heard and valued.​

    If you’re tired of battling your husband and want to feel more fulfilled and empowered. ​ We should talk!

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