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MOMS OF Autistic Kids

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The Calm Mom Coach

Providing moms with strategies that create more ease.

Is he doing “dumb” things?

Sometimes we question whether our husbands have any “common sense”.  

We look at their actions and think (some of you may even say it) this makes zero sense. There have been times when I and many of my clients have been left speechless by something our husband said or did.  

You did what?

Why would you do that?

What were you thinking? What we really mean is you couldn’t have possibly been thinking when you did this.

I tried hard to think of a great example of when my husband did a ridiculous thing but I came up blank. 

Why? Most of the items are inconsequential. Now please don’t tell me it’s inconsequential when I’m in the middle of his stupid event. It’s a big dang deal to me in the moment. However, in the grand scheme of things I got big mad for something I struggle to remember a month later.

Have you been there? He does “dumb” things that baffle you.

He places his clothes on the floor or chair when the laundry basket is literally 3-5 steps away.

He can’t seem to remember tasks that you’ve asked him to complete a million times.

It takes him fifty-eleven hours to complete a task that would’ve taken you 11 seconds.

You leave him with the kids and you get 13 text or phone calls asking questions that he “should” already know or that you went over with him before you left.

Extremely simple tasks become very complicated when he attempts to complete anything.

You question whether he closes his eyes when looking for all items.

Why do these things annoy you so much? Because you want him to be more like you.

I hear you saying, “No I don’t. I just want him to act like a normal person would.”

Well, I’ve talked to thousands of wives and this is normal for most husbands. When I told my client this she said, “so you mean every model (husbands) has a manufacturer’s defect, your coaching supplies the workaround (cheat codes) for the glitch.” We both laughed.

You must accept that others will never react and think as you do. 

I hate to break it to you but we have manufacturing flaws also.

  • We can be demanding
  • Unapologetic even if wrong
  • Impatient and/or irritated when delayed or stressed
  • We want things done a certain way because everyone knows there is a right and wrong way to fold towels and place toilet paper on the holder. 

I had to come to the realization that John is not me. No matter how hard I tried to make him John 2.0 the updated version without the flaws I was unsuccessful.  

The most important takeaway I was causing myself so much pain by trying to change him then getting upset when he didn’t change.

As one of my clients said I do supply the workaround/cheat codes for the glitch but you have to be willing to do some things.

  1. Release the notion that there is only one way to do something. 

One day John and I were cooking breakfast. We normally boil the sausage. I noticed John only filled the pan halfway with water.  My type-a brain said you have to completely cover the sausage with water then my type-a mouth released the thought.  John responded, “this way is better.” My brain said yeah right but because I’m learning to coach my mouth  I silently thought it.  The water boiled out and John gave the sausage a little char. It was the best way to cook them. Just so you know in the past this could have become a disagreement and my way wouldn’t have been better.

  1. Become the observer before criticizing or nagging. This is one I still have to consciously work on mentally.

Many times take charge women want things done in what they deem as the most efficient manner. It may be true that your way is “better” but will anyone die if it’s not done in the most efficient manner?  He’s the one doing it inefficiently.

When your brain tells you this is ALL WRONG take a few steps back and just observe and ask yourself these questions:

  • Is this a big deal? Will this matter next year or 5 years from now?
  • Can I let this go and protect my peace?
  • Is this an absolute deal breaker?
  • Is there a way to calmly express how I feel without nagging or criticising?
  • Why is this so important to me?
  • Will this cause death?

This is not an effort to let him off the hook but an effort to change how you feel. To give you more peace. You won’t have a thriving marriage if you’re constantly upset, annoyed, and irritated. You will just feel more and more disconnected from him which will cause you to feel stuck and unfulfilled.

Learning how to accept the things you can’t change is life-changing. 

I have a client that I’ve been working with for a while. She is a take-charge, fireball who will tell you exactly what’s on her mind.  She’s transforming in my program.  She was concerned because now things that used to send her over the edge don’t bother her.  She asked, “Does this mean I will fall out of love with him because I don’t care anymore?” No, it’s just the opposite you can now concentrate on creating more connection instead of focusing on what he’s not doing.

Do you want to change the way you react so you have more peace? Then these steps are essential.  It’s also essential you talk to me.  True transformation only comes when you work with me!

Set up a call ASAP.

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