Almost every wife has felt some disconnection at some point in their marriage. This is normal. However, when the disconnection lasts for an extended period of time, it’s problematic.

I get it. Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships to navigate. Your husband doesn’t come with a user’s manual and neither do you.

If this disconnection has been lingering for more than six months, then this blog post is just for you.

Most wives endure it. Thinking it will eventually get better. What they soon realize is emotional distance, if left unchecked, only gets worse. They will wake up one day and feel like they are worlds apart.

Signs of Disconnection:

• Fighting/arguments are the norm
• Seems like you’re never on the same page
• Lack of intimacy in marriage (not just including sex)
• Unhealthy communication is the standard (silent treatment, avoiding, lashing out, passive-aggressive remarks, criticism, etc.)
• Either one or both are disinterested in the other spouse’s wants, needs, dreams, goals, etc.
• More interested in cell phone, work, social media, kids, other family members, friends, etc.
• Difficulty being vulnerable or empathizing with spouse
• Failure to prioritize spouse
• Lack of trust
• Often feel lonely

Being a Calm Mom isn’t just about the way you parent but also the connection with your husband. This connection affects your level of calm and impacts everyone in the home.

If you’ve been feeling disconnected for 6 months or longer. I’m willing to bet you will find yourself in one or more of these wives below.

Here are the most common struggling wives that I help in my Calm Mom Program.

The Repeating Wife

This wife constantly repeats things over and over to her husband.

She just wants to quit repeating but feels like if she stops nothing will get done.

These clients say things like, my husband doesn’t listen to me.

PROBLEM: It creates a feeling of a mother-child relationship. It’s hard to be connected and intimate when you feel like he’s another child. Her mind will constantly go to how he’s child-like in so many areas.

• She often questions his intelligence and/or common sense.
• If he would just listen the first time, she wouldn’t have to keep repeating herself.
• She hates repeating herself just as much as he hates hearing it.
• In some cases, he may even “act-out” or exhibit childish behavior because he resents what he considers her constant demands and nagging.
• This cycle leads to bitterness and negativity in the relationship.
• They will both drift away from each other.

The Unheard Wife

Effective communication is non-existent. Conversations with him leave her feeling upset and unheard.

These clients often say, I don’t feel heard in my relationship.

PROBLEM: Feeling unheard makes her feel alone and unimportant. This erodes away at connection quickly.

• She feels as if he’s choosing not to care about her and/or the things that are important to her.
• She gets emotional (anything from anger to sadness) when trying to express how she feels.
• She feels like she’s the only one putting in an effort to make the relationship work.
• Every time she tries to explain how she feels, it further validates her feelings of being unheard and unimportant.
• She more than likely stopped listening to what he has to say and only listens to prepare a response, not to understand.

The Score-Keeping Wife

At least once a week, she thinks of what he’s doing wrong. She tries to not concentrate on it but it keeps happening.

This client typically feels, my husband can’t do anything right.

PROBLEM: Who wants to connect with someone who is always on the losing team? Someone who can’t get it right. This will not make him attractive to her.

• This will cause an overall feeling that he can never do enough to make up for his wrongs.
• This will cause her to unknowingly feel superior because of all the things that she does “correctly”.
• She enjoys it when she has “proof” that he did something incorrectly, it just proves her point.
• She spends a lot of time monitoring what he has done.
• He feels criticized in most conversations.
• He will end up feeling as if he can never do anything right and she will agree with him.

The Wife Who Does It All

She has so many things on her never-ending to-do list that she can’t think straight. He on the other hand gets to roll through life.

This client often feels like a single parent.

PROBLEM: He has life so much easier which makes her resentful and angry.

This wife has a mixture of wives (score-keeping, unheard, annoyed, and typically sexless).

• There is so much that she does that he’s unwilling or let him tell it “unable” to do.
• He often has excuses like, he doesn’t have time, that it’s impossible to complete, etc. She doesn’t understand because she completes these tasks every single day.
• When it comes to the kids, he may even say, “you’re doing too much for them”, “you need to let them grow up”, etc.
• To decrease her stress and avoid arguments, she just completes many of the tasks herself.
• The kids will pass by him relaxing on the sofa to ask her to do something for them. Typically she is in the middle of something cleaning, working, etc.

The Uncoupled Wife

You either rarely go out on dates.

-OR-

If you date the excitement is gone. You’re going through the dating motions. Some dates may even end on a sour note because of something that was said or done during the date.

PROBLEM: Spending quality time alone is essential to creating more intimacy and connection. When this is missing, it typically results in the marriage falling apart, even if the couple remains married.

• Most of their time is spent focusing on their careers and kids, but not each other.
• The connection disappeared slowly; she’s not sure why or when it happened. She just looked up one day and it was gone.
• She feels like she lives with a roommate instead of a husband.
• She feels neglected, like she’s always second to something else in his life.
• The intimacy (not just sexual) is gone. No deep and meaningful conversations.
• Lack of communication and misunderstandings happen often.

The Annoyed Wife

It seems like everything he does annoys and irritates her. It can be as simple as a noise he makes, his laugh, how he breathes, or chews his food.

My husband annoys me constantly. Why does my husband annoy me so much? I think he actually purposely annoys me.

PROBLEM: By the time this happens, the connection is long gone. She’s subconsciously told her brain to be on the lookout for irritating things and the brain does not disappoint.

• She’s tried to stop letting these things annoy her, but it’s like her brain is on auto-pilot and she can’t help it.
• She will hear him laughing and will think things like, it’s not even that funny.
• She will hear him asking her a question but pretends she doesn’t hear him.
• She may even know where an item he’s looking for is located, but doesn’t offer to tell him unless he asks her directly.
• She holds onto negative emotions to “punish” him.
• If there are times when he tries to connect, she’s not interested. She’s really just over him.

When constantly annoyed and irritated, this can eventually lead to feelings of disgust towards him.

The Distrusting Wife

He has done something in the past that has caused her to distrust him, but she decided to stay. It’s unfair to everyone in the home (especially her) for her to be present physically but not emotionally.

PROBLEM: Holding on to the past will never give her an opportunity to see what can become of the marriage.

• She is afraid of being hurt again.
• She wants to make him suffer as much as she has.
• She’s not ready to forgive. He’s getting exactly what he deserves.
• He has said, I’m sorry a thousand times and isn’t sure what else she wants from him. This pisses her off every time she hears him say anything like this.
• No one has the right to tell her when she needs to “get over it”.

This cycle is creating a relationship of two people who are miserable and disconnected.

The Sexless Wife

Sex is another unwanted task on her never-ending to-do list. If she’s really honest, she dreads it.

PROBLEM: No one ever looks forward to something they dread.

• She would much rather scroll social media, sleep, eat, binge watch TV, etc. Really anything other than sex.
• She just wants to relax in peace without anyone asking anything of her.
• Anytime he hints or mentions sex, she cringes. It’s almost as if an actual headache starts instantly.
• She can’t comprehend how he doesn’t understand her level of exhaustion.
• She’s starting to think this is just what happens when you have kids, career, manage the household, and reach a certain age.
• Sex just isn’t important to her anymore.
• She will sometimes lie completely still and pretend to be asleep, hoping he will go away.

Many wives want to know how long can a sexless marriage last? Or will a sexless marriage survive? The better question is if she wants it to last like this.

DISCLAIMER: Not wanting sex can sometimes be caused by hormonal changes, medications, new baby, etc. If you think that may be a possible cause, consult a doctor.

These eight wives have one thing in common. Without realizing it, they are making a hard situation more difficult.

It’s just like when you’re having contractions, they tell you to stop fighting it, breathe, and relax. Otherwise, you make the pain much worse.

This is what the wives above are doing, holding their breath and fighting through the misery. They are making the pain much worse because they honestly don’t know how to fix it.

The great news about disconnection is its possible to create it again. I’ve done it and so have many of my clients.

I want to be completely transparent. There are some cases where one or both feel the damage to the relationship is irreparable. However, the worst thing you can do is stay stuck in a disconnected relationship and not figure it out.

Want to know the 8 questions to ask before communicating along with other tips? Download my Calm Mom Communication Tips.