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MOMS OF Autistic Kids

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The Calm Mom Coach

Providing moms with strategies that create more ease.

Struggling with Drama from your Mama?

Are you grappling with what I call, Mama Drama? This “Mom”-entous Drama is with the one who brought you into this world.

Your relationship with your mom might be smooth sailing, but there may be another close relationship that often puts you to the test.

These people and their actions I like to call instigators. Instigators are the catalysts for mental drama, often leading to various reactions such as lashing out, losing your cool, brooding, internal distress, and sometimes even explosive outbursts. They can have an impact across the board, affecting everything from your personal life to your professional world and anything in between.

This blog post is for you, whether the instigator is your mom or someone else.

DISCLAIMER: This post isn’t about emotional or physical abuse. Those issues should always be explored with a licensed therapist.

My clients have been through therapy but just need additional tools to help navigate.

I was tagged in a FaceBook post by some clients and friends to help a mom struggling with Mama Drama, well MIL Drama. The anonymous poster tells her story of navigating a rocky relationship with her mother-in-law. No matter how hard she tries, her MIL treats her differently from the other daughter-in-law, even extending the unequal treatment to her kids. It’s been a tough journey, and she’s reached a breaking point, contemplating cutting ties altogether.

Can you relate to a difficult relationship that feels like a one-way street, where your attempts to connect go unreciprocated? It can feel like your efforts are constantly falling short and leave you feeling some kind of way. Some even reach a point where they stop trying because they feel like they’ve given it their all.

Keep this in mind: If you’re like most moms you’re likely stretched to your limit. Dealing with instigators consistently decrease your mental capacity, setting off a chain reaction. That’s why when we’re extremely stressed we are more prone to decreased motivation, reduced performance, decreased job satisfaction, a lack of focus, exhaustion, increased irritability, sleep disturbances, forgetfulness, a sense of helplessness, and more. This underscores the importance of working on your handling the instigators in a powerful way.

Many of the moms I coach often share their ‘Mama Drama’ experiences with me. While the specifics can vary widely, recurring themes include feeling overlooked by their mothers, mothers who tend to make everything about themselves, unequal treatment compared to their siblings, never being good enough, and a pervasive sense of not being loved or wanted.

I firmly believe these instigators reveal areas where we need to work on ourselves. The decision to sever ties is always an option, but I also believe that there’s valuable work to be done before making such a significant decision.

This path of personal growth if you choose to do the work has the potential to create a calmer, more fulfilling life. You’ll learn how to create inner peace even when you feel it’s unfair. It’s not about becoming a doormat but about reclaiming your power and no longer allowing others’ actions to dictate how you feel. Yes, you’re human, and there will always be something/someone you wish were different, but with time, you can process and become less impacted by them.

Have you ever found yourself in a disagreement with someone, sometimes so trivial that you can’t recall how it even began? Yet, it can take over your thoughts and distract you all day. It’s a stark reminder of how powerful your thoughts can be in your life. This inner drama can have far-reaching effects, affecting your problem-solving abilities, straining your relationships, and making you more prone to getting upset over minor, unrelated issues. The effect on your overall happiness can be significant.

When it comes to the drama with your mom, it hits even harder. She’s the one who’s supposed to be all about love, acceptance, and support, right? Mastering strategies to handle this can set you up to tackle just about anything else life throws your way.

Here are some strategies to help:

  1. Allow Emotions – Grant yourself the grace to be human – it’s okay to feel anger, sadness, hurt, and/or frustration. I don’t teach living in toxic positivity, but neither do we want to linger in the land of perpetual pain. When you constantly revisit and ruminate on these feelings, they hold you captive. The land of pain is where you’re constantly impacted by others’ actions, and it can drain your mental and emotional energy.
  1. Become Aware and Curious – Become acutely aware when you find yourself in the land of pain. The impact of negative thoughts there can spill into other aspects of your life. For instance, many of my clients dealing with MIL issues also face challenges in their marriages. It’s easy to strain the connection with your spouse over something he can’t control. Get curious about what you truly want him to do about his mom – he can’t control her any more than you can. He’s not the enemy, even if his response doesn’t align with your expectations. Whether your challenge lies with your child, spouse, parents, or someone else entirely, remember that while you can set boundaries, the ultimate act of self-love is being aware of your actions that disrupt your joy. Your work is about mastering this for your own peace.
  1. Don’t Compare – Try not to fall into the trap of comparing yourself with others. It’s a tough habit to break, yet so crucial for maintaining your peace of mind. You might notice someone being treated the way you wish to be, or you might find yourself comparing your relationship with your mother to someone else’s. These comparisons, while natural, only erode your tranquility. As a coach, my aim is to guide you towards such a profound level of inner peace that the actions of others gradually lose their power to disturb you.
  1. Acceptance is Key – It’s crucial to understand and accept that the difficult person in your life is who they are. The likelihood of them changing is minimal unless they seek help. Acceptance isn’t an endorsement of their behavior; it’s a release of criticism and a significant step toward emotional well-being. Continuing to be critical only takes a toll on your mental and emotional health. You don’t have to love it but it’s vital you work towards acceptance because you can’t change it.

If you choose to embrace this process, you’ll encounter favorable shifts . These changes can influence your self-perception, career, family dynamics, and your overall outlook on life.

This journey to handle Mama Drama can feel “mom”-entous and may be one of the most challenging steps you’ll take, but it’s undoubtedly one of the most rewarding.  

Why stay on the emotional roller coaster? Take the proven steps to increase your calm in the chaos.  Your peace is on the other side!

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